On Being Fuckable

Spilt Milk recently tweetedlink to the quote:

I will not accept that my worth on this earth is based on whether or not you think my fat body is fuckable.

I agree with the sentiment.  One of the things I’ve appreciated, as I’ve gotten middle-aged, is that random men seem to feel less of a need to tell me whether or not they find me sexually attractive. It’s a bit more, “Oh, you’re an adult.” (Of course, I’ve been spending a lot of time in nursing homes and hospitals as my father’s next-of-kin, where “middle-aged” really is the defining factor.)

I’d like to think my looks don’t matter.  But if I really believed that, would I smile when I approach a barista or bank teller or coworker?   I smile as a form of communication.   I smile to look more appealing, to ingratiate myself.  I’m white, I’m tall, I’m fat, I’m busty. Some of that improves how people view me, some of it doesn’t, but it’s all part of the package.  My looks matter a great deal at times.

Since I started this blog I have had a few trolls take the time to tell me I’m not worth fucking.  I don’t care.  I don’t know them.  Why should I care?

At the same time, I usually dress in ways that I find attractive.  I flirt.  I am pleased down to my toes to have the man of the house whisper that he loves me and lusts me.  Being appreciated is nice … but it is not all that I am, and it is not my measure of worth.

17 thoughts on “On Being Fuckable

  1. You said it sister! There is more to being a size 4 or a beautiful model with flowing blond hair and perfectly shaped eyes. Beauty is what is INSIDE, in the heart, loving, doing for others, being there for someone who needs a shoulder to cry on, etc. I am not really siatisfied with my body, but it’s me and I have learned that if I try to lose weight I am very unhappy and I frequently get sick and weak when I diet. So I have learned to accept me as I am and love me for who I am, not how I look. I have that good inside beauty, I am told. So that is enough for me and it’s enough for those who I love. I am blessed with a man who loves larger women and have been married for forever, nearly 42 years. I do not want for anything that I truly need. I am happy to be me. And I hope each and every person who reads this can be happy that way too. Life is good.

  2. You know, that’s one of the things that annoys me most in the world. I don’t understand why some men feel such a need to go out of their way to tell me whether or not I’m fuckable. It’s not like my having sex with them is ever even a possibility when it happens. I can’t wait for the day that I can just leave the house and go about my business without getting any obnoxious comments. I’m also working on not letting it bother me and some days I’m able to let it roll off my back, but on others it still feels like a huge violation.

  3. I’d have sex with a stray dog before I’d do it with a troll. And bestiality is not my thing.
    I just loooove idiots who think it’s their right to tell a person they don’t even know that they don’t measure being objectified. To which I say–GOOD!

  4. OK. I have a HUGE problem with this statement because it is told from a female perspective that is still submissive; yes, the affirmation is positive but the message is is twisted and has negated reality: I am in control of my body and I choose whom I fuck. Whether a man finds me attractive is inconsequential. It only matters that I find myself attractive and if I want to fuck them. Here’s a story: I’m an in-betweenie, I weigh about 210lbs, 5’7′ and some skinny, 5’7″ well-educated psychologist was flirting with me. He was attractive but so what. Then over a few days of interaction tells me that maybe in a few months I’ll drop 40 pounds (you know, get “healthy”) and few days after that he tells me that he feels too skinny, and a few days after that he tells me this model chick whom he shagged is in love with him and that she was coming to see him in a month. I completely wrote him off. We still have classes together and he’s annoyed that I don’t want to flirt with. He really doesn’t get it that I’m really not interested.

    It’s not that I’m fat that is the problem, its that he equates large size with masculinity, therefore, if I am larger than him, he must not be a man. And if smaller man is attracted to me but has a body/masculinity issue, it is not my problem.

    I love my body. I have the right to choose whom I’m going to fuck. I have the right to fuck. I deem whether or not my body is fuckable, and whether or not I base my fuckability on my weight is nobosy’s business but my own.

    • Don’t get me wrong, I like that men find me attractive, but I say if it is sexual or not, also, I don’t want to men who are not attracted to me to have to pretend to be either. If they don’t, fine, if they do, great, but it is my rules.

      I have to laugh at myself right now. It was painfully obvious after I hit the send button that I was so pissed, I didn’t even read the comment before I hit the send button. Anger got the best of me and my comment has the typos to prove it!’

      Thanks for the anger outlet.

      • I am in control of my body and I choose whom I fuck. Whether a man finds me attractive is inconsequential. It only matters that I find myself attractive and if I want to fuck them.

        Wow, that sounds like rape apology if I ever heard it. So it doesn’t matter to you if the person you want to have sex with agrees that sex is a good idea?

        Maybe I’ve been married too long, but I value collaborative, mutual, everyone-happy-to-be-there fucking over one-person-fucking-the-other any damn day of the week.

        • I don’t have sex with unwiling men. I’m saying it only matters what I think of my body and that I have to want to have sex with them. I’m not interested in flirting or predending that I find someone attractive physically just so I can get my work or whatever task I trying to get done. Did my second comment not appear? I’m not obligated to pretend I’m interested, that is part of how I have in the past been bothered by being fuckable. I don’t care if anyone thinks I am fuckable.

          • I was misunderstanding this at first too, but I think I get it now. The whole “men telling you you’re not fuckable” thing is a way for them to bring you down a notch so that if they then change their mind and offer you sex, you should be GREATFUL because really you’re not fuckable and you should take anything you can get.

  5. I have a feeling I wouldn’t like it either way… that is, if random strange men did inform me in some less-than-respectful way that they DID find me fuckable.

    • True, and it *IS* harassment when a random person tells me that on the street. Or when job choices are the result of “must be this size” or “must be this conventionally attractive”.

      On the other hand, it is nice when my partner of more than a decade expresses such sentiments in private ;)

  6. It will be many years or maybe never before Fat Acceptance exorcises all of the negative input from the past from Fat Admiration and Fat Fetishes. Why can Fat Women and Fat People in Fat Acceptance be deemed worthy because they just are, instead of because they fit a mold created in the minds of some people.

    PS Great to see you posting more again!!

  7. Being single and trying to find someone @ 330 lbs is hard. I dont neccasarily want a FA bc my size shouldnt be a “fetish” but I have also read an awesome article in The Village Voice about FA’s that kinda opened my eyes. I am a person and I just want to be loved and lusted. I hear all the time from guys saying that they’d fuck me. Just like that. In those words. I don’t see why they think that is what I wanna hear. Great. Glad you wanna fuck me. But what about the rest of me who wants a lover and friend. Too many men have their priorities all screwed up.

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