A Periodic Welcome Post

I thought it might be helpful to fill in any new folks.

What’s this blog?

I started this blog to have a place to talk about fat acceptance and how my life is and isn’t affected by being very fat.

Do you really weigh 400lbs? 

Pretty much, give or take 5%.

Do you look like the really fat people used to illustrate stories about overweight folks? 

Yes, even though most fat people are MUCH thinner than I.

Aren’t people your size common these days?

Not really, no.

Are you trying to lose weight?

I’m not trying to manipulate my weight up or down.

Why not?

Because losing weight doesn’t work long-term for most people. Including me.

Fat acceptance?  Tell me more. 

Fat acceptance, as implied by “fat” and “acceptance” being together like that, is about accepting body diversity instead of focusing on weight loss.  On a societal level it’s about fighting weight discrimination and encouraging lawmakers and public health officials to stop the emphasis on weight.  More info is here.

Anything else? 

I’ve lived in or near Seattle, Washington for all my life.  I studied computer science in college and work in software.  I’m white, married, bisexual, middle aged, wear glasses, sunburn easily, and have naturally curly hair.  I drive a 10-year-old Prius.  I play computer games like Freecell, Simcity, and Tropico. I’m an only child, dealing with the death of my father this year, and not really close to my other birth relatives.  I have asthma, environmental allergies, sleep apnea, astigmatism, and a history of depression.

Surprise

As I got out of the shower this morning I was greeted by the man of the house singing “Happy Birthday” and holding out a plate with Top Pot maple bar (with birthday candle).  I was delighted and happy.  Sometimes it’s nice to realize that surprises can be good as well as bad.

Food Wants and Aversions

I grew up either on a diet (and craving what was denied by the diet) or off a diet (and eating everything the diet denied).   No in between.

Now I can and do eat what I want.  And I find my wants vary.  Some days I really, really want, really crave … a banana. Or something meaty.  Or something fresh and crunchy, like a crunchy salad or apple slices.  Some times I want a burger.  Sometimes I just have no interest in them — or am somewhat repelled by them.

I’ve also begun to notice how this is affected by other things.  If I get busy at work and don’t eat, I want more energy-dense food later on.   If I have a salad for lunch I often want something more substantial for dinner, and vice versa.

The weird thing is that I can remember being in a state where passing up food meant deprivation.  Now it usually means I’m not hungry, or I don’t care for whatever-it-is.  Sometimes this puzzles or disappoints people who want me to provide their “cover” (“They only don’t have calories if I make them for you”).   Sometimes this leads to a brief discussion of HAES, sometimes it’s just there.  But that’s OK too.

Parents

It is beginning to sink in that my father is dying.  My mother died nearly 6 years ago, so I’ve been managing his finances and meeting with doctors and such.

A large part of me feels numb.

I’ve written before that I didn’t have the best relationship with my parents as an adult.  Part of this was due to my fat, though that certainly wasn’t the only issue.   In the past couple years I’ve gone from seeing my father a few times a year to seeing him once a week or more.  He seems to feel that he’s very close to me.  I see him as an amiable relative who is slipping away.  It’s also a loss, both of what was, and a reminder of what could have been.

I should note that I’m not sure I can have a full, two-sided relationship with someone with dementia.  Partly it’s the memory loss (he’s asked me to visit at least once a month, and I explained I’ve been visiting once a week).  He is dependent on me, in many ways, and that affects things.  I’m not looking for the relationship I didn’t have 20 years ago, because that’s not possible now.  But I am reminded of the relationship we could have had 20 or 30 years ago.

This isn’t just my regrets, or my loss of a parent.  He made his own choices.  It’s very possible that his dementia is due to his longterm drinking. I know his drinking affected our relationship, and my relationship with my mother, same as I know their wanting me to be thin affected me and my relationship with my parents.

I realize these may not be the typical feelings at facing the eventual loss of a parent.  But there it is.

Five Things Makes a Post

1. New job! I have a new job.  The place I was temping hired me in late December.  I’m not doing exactly the same job, which is both “new and scary” and “cool and interesting”.   It’s also been interesting to note that the things I was looking forward to ending with the contract (the commute, say) are now things I’m stuck with, and the things I was thinking I’d miss (the walkability of the neighborhood) are now things I get to enjoy longer.
2. According to the New York Times, my household is in the top 48% for the Seattle-Everett area this year (based on my unemployment for the first 3 months + contract for 8.5 months + signing bonus + hubby’s temp gig.)
3. Asthma has been kicking my butt lately.  My nurse practitioner upped my dose of Advair and OMG I had so! much! energy!  this! week!   I have been enjoying it but also crashing harder at the end of the day.
4. A coworker was floored that I am able to pick up my father’s wheelchair and load it into my car.  I pointed out that once I remove the back and seat, it collapses into a big flatish bundle.  ”But isn’t it heavy?”  About 40lbs, really … which doesn’t seem all that much to me.  So I guess the weightlifting is doing me good.
5. I have been reading more about caregiver stress and considering support groups.  I feel a bit strange about doing it, since I’m not doing the daily hands-on care.  But I am taking him to doctor visits, making medical decisions, getting his mail, managing his money, and being a supportive daughter.

Bonus: The new blog banner is a chocolate doughnut with chocolate frosting and Sounders green and blue sprinkles.  These are sold by http://www.toppotdoughnuts.com/ at Seattle Sounders games.

Waiting

I am waiting outside a medical supply store that’s closed for lunch.

Why?

To pick up some catheter supplies for my dad.

Yes, my life is so glamorous. :/

Semi-Random Update

I am sitting naked on my couch, wrapped in an afghan.

“Breakfast” this morning was a banana, 2 butterflake rolls, and a glass of diet Pepsi.

My temp job is taking huge amounts of my time.  I will likely be working some today, for example.

More permanent positions may be added in my group. I have given my grandboss my resume.

The last few months I’ve been carpooling with friends.  This cuts the average commute time to 30-50% of the typical bus commute, but it also reduces how much walking I do.  I’ve been eating lunch out more just to get out of the building and walk.

I spent time with my father on Thanksgiving for the first time in years.  I took him to lunch at his favorite restaurant.  He was back at his care home in time for the big Thanksgiving dinner there. I had dinner at my place with members of our family-of-choice.

Before leaving to get Dad yesterday I realized the cotton no-underwire bra I’d put on would probably give me a bit of  ”4-boob syndrome” as the day went on.  At the time, I didn’t care, since I was going to be with Dad, and that type of  thing isn’t uncommon at the restaurant in question.  This also had me thinking about class.  After lunch it definitely was “4-boob” time, so I changed when I got home.

Dinner included: Turkey, stuffing with water chestnuts and cashews, green bean casserole, mashed yams, butterflake rolls, sparkling wine, coffee, hard cider, marionberry pie and pumpkin pie.  Most of this was cooked by the man of the house.  Yum.

Not Doing Everything

Unvirtuous Abbey (“Digital monks praying for people with first world problems”) tweeted this week:

For those who have to carry the burden of what they see but are limited in what they can do, we pray.

That … says a lot, actually.

For many of us worldwide media means that we see much more than we can act upon.  So many causes.  So much suffering.  So much.  Toss in a 40+ hour-a-week-plus-commute job, a house, a parent needing care, and … it’s a bit more than I find easy to cope with.

Lately I’ve almost felt like I was drowning.

I’ve pulled back a bit, been online a bit less. This weekend I focused a family member’s birthday and some around-the-house tasks.   Tomorrow I go back to work.  I’m planning focus on getting to bed earlier this week and planning lunches instead of relying on beef jerky and dried fruit.  Wish me luck…

Interviews, Interviews

I’ve been getting more job interviews lately.  Researching the companies I’m interviewing at and other interview prep is taking a fair amount of time.   One place I interviewed at Monday has called to arrange a second round next week, which is a hopeful sign.

I am still not getting full lung function, but albuterol, Mucinex, and the humidifier are helping.  Doing an aerobics tape in the morning seems to make me feel better for the rest of the day, and the fact that I can (instead of collapsing with a major coughing fit after 5 minutes of warm-up) is a good thing too.

We’ve had some nice sunny weather lately, inspiring me to prune roses and cut down some blackberry canes.

The man of the house is making dinner – steak, mushrooms & peppers, and potatoes.

I’m also enjoying SJ Tucker’s new single:

How’s with you?

Feeling Like A “Bad” Fatty

I haven’t been exercising.  I spent most of the weekend sitting or laying down. Sometimes I’d be breathing hard from the effort of sitting (compared to laying down).  Sunday I was so exhausted I literally laid down and cried.

I’ve got a cold, which does not combine well with asthma.  Plus I was helping run a small con, which meant quite a bit of adrenalin and the feeling that I “should” be walking around, checking in with our guests, seeing if other volunteers need help, and generally doing things.

You know the sort of “sick” where you feel fine as long as you don’t actually try to do things?  Yeah, that was me, most of the weekend — at least, once I had enough pills / etc that I could breathe regularly and stop coughing.

Yes, I took my preventative meds.  I also took time-release guaifenesin, supplemental antihistamines, and used my albuterol inhaler a lot.  I helped coordinate volunteers, I ran the tech equipment that the other volunteers don’t know or aren’t as skilled with, I helped keep guests organized.  I’m told a lot of folks didn’t realize I was sick.

And yet I feel I was a “bad fatty” because I spent a lot of time sitting.  Because I collapsed with my computer Monday instead of helping carry a bunch of equipment.  Because I didn’t get some borrowed equipment returned until Tuesday.  Because I should be performing feats of strength to prove I have worth, or that I’m capable despite being fat, or something.   Because only bad fats sit around all the time.

The idea that I should have to “prove” my body is okay is one I’d like to unlearn. My brain knows that attitude is insane.  Unfortunately I’m not there yet, and it bugs me.

Update: I did intend this post to be about “Gee, even though I’m legitimately sick, I keep feeling guilty for not doing enough and wondering if people think badly of me because I’m fat.  That’s screwed up.”   Sorry if that didn’t come through.

Thoughts on the solstice

North star guide my love to me
Through times spent in good company
Smouldering eyes around the fire
With stories tall and spirits higher
…
Stoke the fire up bright and strong
Verse to verse and song to song
The day grows shorter by the hour
Close the circle
Feel the power

Winter solstice tends to touch me stronger than summer.    I’m grateful to both, since both tell me my SAD won’t get worse.   But winter solstice feels more … there, somehow. Maybe it’s that it accompanies Christmas, or that Seattle is far enough north to get over 15 hours of darkness during the winter solstice. Maybe it’s that many people I know are celebrating a holiday now (I personally have friends who celebrate Hanukkah, Yule, and Christmas, but there are certainly others).

Southern Cross guide family
Chosen or hereditary
See them safe where they may roam
Remind them of the journey home
…
Rising sun guide future plans
Though life’s strange chaotic dance
Let them truly prove their worth
Of the spark that gave them birth

Setting sun guide memories
Keep them safely here with me
Let them fill the sky with light
Each time I pass from day to night

As memorably argued in this Dykes to Watch Out For strip, the solstices are cyclic — the light returns at one solstice, the dark at another. The solstice isn’t a permanent change. Still, I’m glad to be returning to a more balanced day/night cycle.

Lyrics quoted are from Lifespell, by Chris Conway.  Vixy & Tony performed the song at 2:20:10 in this livestream, dedicated to a friend who had recently passed on.

Tweet Tweet Tweet

Yes, I’m now on Twitter.  I’m tweeting about fat stuff and with fat people.  I’m also currently participating in #MooreAndMe, though hopefully that will end soon.

Also thanks to Twitter I discovered Sweet Machine has a blog.  And a “Get Out Of Diet Free” card.

…and yes, “tweet tweet tweet” started an earworm in my head.  So here it is.

Thankful Thursday

I think it’s time to do this again.  See, my job was eliminated.  Not fun, but I’m at the stage now where I’m thankful it happened, because:

1) Much less stress.  The old job was changing and had become a bad fit, and now it’s OVER.

2) I qualify for unemployment.

3) …also, we have money saved.  I’m touching wood as I type this, but we’re okay for a while.

4) …and, really? I didn’t want that job anymore anyway.  I started looking for a new job, sporadically—like once a month—in June.    Maybe if I’d rolled faster with the changes I’d still be there, but the “not wanting the job anymore” was a big part of why I didn’t roll with the changes well.  I didn’t mean to be obstructionist, but I became obstructionist because I didn’t want to do heavy lifting to change a job I didn’t want.   It became a negative spiral that I’m glad I’m not in anymore.

5)  Finally, I’ve been able to enjoy the time I spend with the man of the house more.  His support has really helped.

I’m also thankful that my blue blazer I got 5 or 6 years ago still fits and looks great with various tops.  ;)    I’ve had a few interviews, but no offers yet.

Exercise and Reinforcing Spirals

I’ve written about my mother being self-conscious about her fat. Afraid of other people thinking she was fat, afraid of not being able to walk far enough, of not being able to find a chair that fit, of being unable to defend herself if physically attacked. Mom was also self-conscious of being out of shape and having an “ignorant-sounding” accent.*

Mom broke her leg when I was 10. She was 45. Spending months with her left leg in a cast from hip to toes probably atrophied some muscles. I quickly learned to tighten my core muscles so I could help her up off the couch without hurting my back. I don’t recall Mom doing physical therapy when the cast got off; I do recall that after that year she gardened less, walked less, and generally seemed less active.  Arthritis seemed to bother her more; her back pain became more severe.  She began to see a chiropractor regularly.

A few years after the cast came off that Mom’s best friend, who she’d routinely gone shopping and to lunch with, ended up moving away due to a divorce.  During prior summers Mom and her best friend would load up kids, coolers, blankets, towels, and so forth and take us off to one of the local parks most every day.  Without her friend, though, Mom decided the park was too crowded. Wrangling kids and a cooler and blankets and towels and so forth around a park may not have been all that much activity, but it’s certainly functional fitness.

By the time I was 15 or 16 I was doing all the Christmas shopping so that Mom could “avoid the crowds” at the mall; a few years later Mom confessed that she didn’t think she could walk the length of the mall anymore.  I carried a pillow into movies so she could sit more comfortably, offered my arm for support when Mom climbed stairs, or pulled her up if she were on a low seat or the floor. This continued through college, until I moved out. I was 25 then; Mom was 59.

How much of her back and leg pain was due to injuries and arthritis, and how much was due to muscles that weren’t strong enough to work effectively?  I don’t know. I do think she had a reinforcing negative spiral: she exercised less because she felt out of shape; she became more out of shape because she exercised less.

I do know that I developed a self-image of myself as strong and capable due to spending my teen years in my self-appointed role as Mom’s caretaker.  I know that part of why I was frightened by injuring my knee was “I don’t have mobility problems, Mom does“.    And I know that one of my motivations to exercise is because it may not let me avoid my mother’s problems — but I’m fairly sure that NOT exercising would make me repeat them.

---

*Southern accents weren’t exactly “in” during the 70s in Seattle. One speech therapist blamed my lisp on Mom’s tendency to add “r”s to things like “warsh” and “Warshington”. Funny how Mom didn’t have a lisp, and mine went away with orthodontia and practice.

 

A year or two ago …

Two years ago, I wrote 2 of the most-read posts of this blog: on stress incontinence and jock itch.   I worked hard on both of those posts. I was a bit embarrassed to admit they were problems I deal with, but I also felt that writing a bad post on either would be worse than not writing them at all.  Take of that what you will…. ;)

Also I posted about an interesting glimpse “behind the scenes” at how the CDC lowered the weight at which people are considered “overweight or “obese”, courtesy of the book Health At Every Size.

Thankful Thursday

[a not-always-weekly exercise in gratitude]

It’s Thursday and I’m thankful for:

1. I’m getting better at exercising regularly.  It’s having results in terms of feeling stronger & being able to do more physically.
2. The rain is watering the yard for me. One less item on the to-do list :)
3. …and the roses are still blooming.
4. Fresh strawberries and shortbread with tea this afternoon.  Decadence!
5. A friend posted a link to a skit from the old Seattle comedy show Almost Live!  Yay being able to laugh at ineffectual middle management suck-ups.

Thankful Thursday

[a not-always-weekly exercise in gratitude]

1. Being reminded I live in a Futuristic Sci-Fi World.
2. My desk at work is now closer to a window. Something about “getting some natural light” is nice.
3. Being able to take some time during the day to stretch.
4. Fresh strawberries…
5. Celebrating my 10th wedding anniversary this week with the man of the house.   :)

Finally waterlilies are blooming here! Image by tanakawho on Flickr