Haven

About 10 months ago I began to view my bedroom as a haven. It’s not just mine; I share it with the man of the house.  But the bedroom has none of my dad’s unpaid bills, bank statements, or benefit applications. It didn’t have boxes of belongings to sort through. It didn’t have my exploding to-do list. It especially did not have hospital or nursing home staff who expect me to do more or care more or be with my dad 24/7.

In our bedroom I began to consciously put that all aside. “I can’t do it here. So I won’t waste effort on it now.” Crossing that threshold meant I was safe.  In time it also extended to the adjacent bath. Later I began to think of other things I put aside here. I let down my “fat guard” and a few other fears — usually in my house, but always in our bedroom.

Tonight I sought that haven deliberately. The stressors are a bit different tonight, tho dad things are part of it. But again, my to-do list is not here. This is my haven. I’m glad.

Reality

I’m not sure when I realized that yes, maintaining a regular schedule is GOOD FOR ME, if only because it helps me sleep regularly. Adrenaline does not automatically kick in to cover for lack of sleep now — perhaps it’s getting older?

But anyway. Regular schedules. Regular sleep is good. Regular schedules also means I take my asthma meds regularly (even more important when I have a cold) and, oh yes, my antidepressants.

Regular meals is also good. This spring, with my dad in the hospital and later a nursing home (all as I was starting a temp job after a stint of unemployment) I wasn’t exactly eating regularly: Too much to do, not enough time to think about it, and I definitely didn’t want to take the time to plan meals ahead of time. Lately I’ve taken an idea from The Fat Nutritionist and set an alarm on my phone to remind me to eat lunch. (The man of the house usually puts dinner in front of me, and breakfast I more or less grab automatically.)

It seems both incredibly mundane and incredibly frustrating to me to realize that my life works better with structure. It feels like too much structure to me. I want to be free to do what I want, to be able to make evening plans on the spur of the moment instead of “Oh, dinner’s in the crockpot and will be overdone if I stop for dinner near work.”

But, y’know, I’m over 40. Maybe one of these days I should grow up or something.

Office Breakfast

The man of the house had picked up a variety pack of instant oatmeal for a trip.  We didn’t eat it then.  Monday I brought it into the office with me.

2 packets in a coffee cup + hot water = hot breakfast.   I don’t eat it every day, but when I was too rushed to eat at home it’s a nice option.

Usually with instant oatmeal I only get my favorite flavors, and even then, they’re often too strong.  Since I have a variety pack I’m mixing flavors – today was raisin & spice with maple & brown sugar.  I generally don’t like those flavors alone, but together they were fine.

Spoonful of oatmeal

“Light bladder leakage” and Hourglass Pads

Apparently Poise is thinking “light bladder leakage” sounds nicer than “incontinence”, and that framing its products as “feminine” will do better than as “geriatric”.   They are probably correct.

I do know I ran into one problem discussed in the industry. The New York Times quotes market researcher Rob Walker:

“[T]he biggest challenge for the industry is that vast numbers of sufferers are too embarrassed to raise the problem of incontinence with their health practitioner, or worse, even buy available products at a retail outlet.”

Or, in my case, to realize they existed. I initially assumed that if you leaked at all, you needed full-on diapers, which of course would not be available in my size.  It did not occur to me to even look for pads designed for stress incontinence.   I ran across Poise pads by accident one day when the local Rite Aid was reorganizing stock.

To address that, Mr. Walker added, “the commercial opportunity here is for the big international hygiene players to humanize (or even Viagra-ize) incontinence, making products as accessible, consumer-friendly and embarrassment-free as, for example, women’s sanitary protection.”

I first wrote about stress incontinence a few years ago in quite a bit of detail.   I haven’t been finding the “wings”, so I’ve been wearing “moderate” pads.  I will probably try the new “hourglass” shape.  FYI, Poise also has samples and coupons available at their site.

Thankful Thursday

[An occasional exercise in gratitude.]

At the moment I’m thankful for:

1. My temp gig is continuing to go fairly well.
2. My father is doing better.
3. I got over my “but things can’t get better” thinking and saw my ARNP about my anxiety, insomnia, and depression symptoms.  My ARNP prescribed Celexa (for depression) and Ambien (for insomnia).
4. Ambien does help me sleep.  Celexa does seem to help my depression.
5. I am continuing to do other things to take care of myself.
6. The man of the house loves me.
7. Our friends are also supportive and helpful.

Overall: my life is not perfect. My life is not terrible.  I am coping — sometimes day by day, sometimes minute by minute, but coping.

How’s y’all?

Feeling Like A “Bad” Fatty

I haven’t been exercising.  I spent most of the weekend sitting or laying down. Sometimes I’d be breathing hard from the effort of sitting (compared to laying down).  Sunday I was so exhausted I literally laid down and cried.

I’ve got a cold, which does not combine well with asthma.  Plus I was helping run a small con, which meant quite a bit of adrenalin and the feeling that I “should” be walking around, checking in with our guests, seeing if other volunteers need help, and generally doing things.

You know the sort of “sick” where you feel fine as long as you don’t actually try to do things?  Yeah, that was me, most of the weekend — at least, once I had enough pills / etc that I could breathe regularly and stop coughing.

Yes, I took my preventative meds.  I also took time-release guaifenesin, supplemental antihistamines, and used my albuterol inhaler a lot.  I helped coordinate volunteers, I ran the tech equipment that the other volunteers don’t know or aren’t as skilled with, I helped keep guests organized.  I’m told a lot of folks didn’t realize I was sick.

And yet I feel I was a “bad fatty” because I spent a lot of time sitting.  Because I collapsed with my computer Monday instead of helping carry a bunch of equipment.  Because I didn’t get some borrowed equipment returned until Tuesday.  Because I should be performing feats of strength to prove I have worth, or that I’m capable despite being fat, or something.   Because only bad fats sit around all the time.

The idea that I should have to “prove” my body is okay is one I’d like to unlearn. My brain knows that attitude is insane.  Unfortunately I’m not there yet, and it bugs me.

Update: I did intend this post to be about “Gee, even though I’m legitimately sick, I keep feeling guilty for not doing enough and wondering if people think badly of me because I’m fat.  That’s screwed up.”   Sorry if that didn’t come through.

Working Wardrobes

During a phone interview today I ended up saying “No, this wouldn’t work” because their corporate dress code is Business Professional, defined as suits or suit-like combinations; ties for men; no athletic shoes allowed.   Refusing to dress up every day for work isn’t all that uncommon a stance for a software person to take in Seattle, but my reasons are a bit different.

You see, in the past 10 years I have found ONE standard Business Professional suit jacket that fits me.   It’s a medium “business” blue, which I pair with black slacks for interviews.  Size? 34W.

Do you know how common suits are in size 34W?  Heck, in anything bigger than size 28?  (Hint:  They’re not.)  I could get away some coordinating jackets and slacks.   Even if I’m just focusing on blazers, though, they’re hard to find.  Oh, and I usually need to go up a size in pants/skirt size than top/jacket, and 34W is really a ballpark; sometimes I can wear a 32W, sometimes I need a 36W.

So, it’s not just that I would have to buy a totally new wardrobe for this job. I have the money in savings, if I felt the job was worth the cost.  It’s that I would have to FIND the appropriate clothing IN MY SIZE for this job.

Yes, some catalogs carry suits in size 34W or 36W.  Making It Big has some suit-like separates, and Plus Woman will make a custom blazer (and skirt and pants to match).  That’s assuming the time lag of ordering, delivery, trying on, arranging alterations, and/or returning clothes that don’t fit doesn’t cause problems.

But what I’d actually want, for that sort of job would be this suit, or possibly this jacket or this one.  None of which are made in my size.  Possibly Rochester Big & Tall could make some serious alterations to a man’s suit … or I’d have to have suits made for me, either by Plus Woman or someone local.

Then there’s shoes.  I wear “walking shoes” because they’re comfortable and supportive.   I only own a couple pairs of dress shoes, and I don’t want to wear them daily.

Fortunately?  Most software jobs in Seattle are strongly influenced by Microsoft.  ”Business casual” is often regarded as dressing up.   But if I weren’t in software? This could be a serious drawback to getting work.

Update: I had previously posted about what I usually wear to work here.

Things you don’t think about…

I had a job interview.  Overall I think it went well; it seems like a cool place with interesting work, and I think they got a good sense of what I can do for them.  If they make an offer I’ll be pleased, but I’m still looking.  (AKA: Nice first date, but it’s just a first date.  ;)

However…

The interview was on top of one of Seattle’s hills.  I had thought there was a public parking lot a (relatively flat) block over.  Turns out it’s not a public lot.  I ended up parking in a lot a block and a half the other way…

Down one of those steep, 15% grade hills from the office.

Now, I didn’t start my exercise routine with the idea of being able to walk this particular hill.  But thanks to exercising routinely, I was able to walk up it without a problem.  :)   Going back down to my car I went very slowly, but again, not a problem.   Kind of makes me glad I’ve been deliberately including the hills around my house when going for walks!

(Of course, if I get the job I’ll probably end up walking that sort of hill more frequently. ;)

(FYI: Seattle has hills steeper than 15%, but the one I was one was about a 15% grade.)

Fun with Job-Hunting

So, I’m checking out Craigslist, and there’s a job ad that sounds great for me until I get to the end “MUST be nicotine and tobacco free, demonstrated commitment to a healthy lifestyle preferred.”   *blink*  Okay, the first is a plus for an asthmatic, but the “demonstrated commitment to a healthy lifestyle”…?  Re-read the ad; it’s about tech stuff I’m familiar with, which is why I thought it would be cool….

I went to the company’s website.  Their products are websites / programs for smoking cessation, “wellness”, and …. weight loss.  Okay, not applying there.

Some Good Things

Riot Nrrd explains why  judging other people’s health can be inaccurate.

Despite turning my ankle a couple times Monday (and working too much and walking too little these past weeks) I didn’t have problems walking over a mile at the Sounders game Tuesday night :)

Manufacturer's pic of my preferred CPAP mask

My new CPAP mask arrived! Somehow I’d broken the widget that connects the nose piece to the headgear.  I’ve got another mask which is smaller and has fewer breakable parts and drives me NUTS because it vents “down” from my nose, thus sending a steady stream of air ONTO MY BODY to KEEP ME AWAKE.  So once again I got a replacement of my preferred mask.  (Among other features, it vents “up” from my nose.)

Searching this blog tells me this last happened in May 2009.

I find it interesting that I didn’t even try to sleep without my CPAP.  I used the backup mask a few nights and the broken taped-together mask a few nights, but no non-CPAP nights.

Last weekend the man of the house and I spent a night at the Seattle Westin Hotel. We did one of the “romance” packages, with sparkling wine, breakfast in bed, and a late checkout.   I enjoyed it immensely, and I’m really glad we got to do it.

Oh, and the view wasn’t bad either.  The only camera I had was my cell, which wasn’t the best, but it’s a nice memento of the weekend.

Elliott Bay and some of West Seattle

Meds: There’s a Reason I Take Them

It’s amazing how my morning can go from “bleah” and “moving sucks” to “this feels right pleasant” and “let’s get stuff done” just by taking my meds.

The asthma meds in particular make carrying laundry up/down the stairs and changing sheets much easier, but the vitamin B12 and D also does a lot for my general energy levels.

(This message is brought to you by Saturday “taking longer to get moving than usual” and “Argh I dislike having to take pills”.)

Seattle Summer

Last summer, Seattle had record-breaking heat.

This summer, Seattle has record-breaking coolness.

Sure, it’s gotten up to 85F or 90F once or twice. At the moment it’s 10am and 55F degrees. It’s supposed to warm up to 85F this afternoon, but I’m still wearing cotton knit slacks and a v-neck t-shirt at work to avoid being too cold this morning. The one time I tried wearing a sleeveless top — a light sweater vest, actually — I got goosepimples walking outside. My tank tops are still in the drawer; most of my shorts are still in an extra closet.

So if you want to cool off this summer, come here!

FYI for Gardeners

This is a mattock:

Mattock

I might not have needed a mattock to loosen the clay-like soil I just dug up, but it certainly didn’t hurt!   The Keens walking shoes are definitely worth the money on uneven ground, too.  They make walking and squatting in the yard downright easy.

But after an hour of pulling dandelions, loosening soil and mixing in mulch before actually planting the plants I got today, I think…it’s time for a shower.   Bed sounds good too.  Night y’all!

My Monday (lots of work deadlines edition)

7:45 Alarm goes off.  Hit snooze.  Multiple times.
8:15 Get up.
8:45 Meds, breakfast.
9:00 Leave house.
9:30 At my desk, working.
12:30 Read a newspaper while heating and eating lunch.
1:00 Back at my desk, working.
5:15 Take a break for some social media and a snack.
5:45 Back to work.
8:00 Could stay later, but need to leave work to get to the pharmacy to…
8:20 Pick up asthma meds.
8:30 Home.  Go for a short walk to unwind followed by 50 crunches on the ball.  Notice that “a short walk” is half again as long as it was in March but is taking less time.  Regard this as progress.
9:10 Dinner.
9:30 Balance checkbook and check messages.  Dad called.  Return call.
10:30 IM with a friend.
10:50 Wonder why I haven’t been posting as much.  Hm….

Seat Belt Extenders: Not just for airplanes

You know how you get used to your life and forget things other people take for granted?

Yeah.

Listening to Lesley & Marianne’s Fatcast I started thinking about how life is different for superfat folks than it is for those size 24 and below.  I shop in different catalogs, I have a seat belt extender for my car … wait, did I ever blog about my car’s seat belt extender?

Seat belt extender, detached.

I didn’t.  Oh.  Okay.  Well then.  I have a seat belt extender for my car – two, in fact.  I’m not sure everyone my weight would NEED one.  In my case, with my body shape, I need it.  I got them with the car, which was purchased new from Toyota* at the end of 2001.  Toyota provided them free of charge, but did insist on measuring me and the man of the house to make sure we a) needed them and b) got the “correct” size.

This extender is rather like the extenders on airplanes**, in that it buckles right onto the “normal” buckle.  As a result it’s removable (and in fact it’s recommended that we remove it for people who don’t need it.)  It ends up not just extending the reach of my seat belt, it also moves the “pivot point” for the shoulder belt over about 10″, which makes it fit better across my torso.

Seat belt extender, attached

Manufacturers vary in terms of how they handle seat belts that don’t fit their customers. Some will provide or sell extenders, others install longer seat belts.***  There are also aftermarket solutions, such as extra-long seat belts and the “universal seat belt extender“.

What I do without an extender?  It partly depends on the car.  In most cars I can just use the belt as a lap belt only, and put the shoulder portion behind me.  Yes, this is less safe.  It also is often the only way to make it fit, and I’m not willing to ride in a car without a seat belt fastened.

I have demanded larger rental cars when the first one’s seat belt didn’t fit at all.

---

*Yes, a Toyota Prius.  No, I’ve had no problems with the gas pedal.

** Living XL and Amplestuff both sell multiple types of airline seat belt extenders.  Different airlines standardize on different types.

***The site www.ifisher.com maintains information on getting extenders or longer seat belts for many types of cars.  Honda is the most notable manufacturer that doesn’t provide extenders.  The soc.support.fat-acceptance group FAQ includes some information about this and also on cars in general, but it is possibly out of date at this point.

What I did yesterday

I went out to go to work (and get breakfast on the way) and discovered a flat tire.

I went back inside, called my boss, and made breakfast.  After sufficient caffeination I changed into cords and a sweatshirt I didn’t mind getting dirty and went out to deal with the tire.  Only one was flat, and I had a spare, so time to change the tire.

I discovered that yes, even spreading the trunk mat on the ground to sit on, I get dirt all over my pants changing a tire.  Why not crouch? Mainly I don’t trust my balance while crouching long enough to crank up the jack.  Sitting was more comfortable.

I also found that my arms aren’t up to loosening machine-tightened lug nuts — but my legs are.  No, I didn’t jump on the lug wrench.  Stood with one foot on the wrench and I gradually increased the pressure.

So now I have 2 new tires (another was also very worn, and it’s preferred to replace tires in pairs or sets).

Flying While 400lbs

I wasn’t going to write about Kevin Smith being bumped for fatness because I felt like I’d written enough already on airline stuff.  But I’ve been contributing to the Kevin Smith thread at Shapely Prose.  Then tonight I wrote up a huge long comment on my airline experiences at We Are The Real Deal and … it’s a post in itself.   So.

Observations:

1. Per the airline definition of “fit” (armrests down with seat belt on) I can “fit” in a single coach seat. This is partly because I have an “apple” body shape. It’s not comfortable — compression occurs — but it’s doable.
2. My shoulders are pretty wide, though. When I last flew in a single coach seat (2 and 3-hour flights, same clothing size as now) I’d get a window seat and lean on the bulkhead to keep my shoulders and elbows out of my neighbor’s  way.
3. It’s very possible that I could end up next to someone (a gent with very long legs who’s “straddling” the seat ahead to keep from crunching his knees?) who has to touch my fat thigh and risk fat cooties.  Or who also has wide shoulders and keeps brushing mine.  Or I might get reassigned to a middle seat between people who don’t want to brush my shoulders.  If they complain about me, what do you think is going to happen?  I buy a second seat or get bumped.
4. The man of the house is slimmer in the hips and fits into a coach seat much easier than I…but his shoulders are wider than mine, and has much more difficulty not brushing his neighbors’ shoulders…
5. Which makes me wonder why hips that don’t fit into 17″ are a huge problem, but broader than 17″ shoulders are fine. This couldn’t possibly have anything do with broad shoulders being a desirable trait among men, could it?
6. I have been known to book 2 coach seats for a cross-country flight, primarily for my own comfort. Once was with United, in 1996, before United had its “passengers of size” policy. The more recent times were with Alaska, last fall and in 2004.
7. I’ve never had a travel or airline website allow me to book 2 seats for 1 passenger.  I’ve always had to call the airline directly. Each time I’ve ended up on hold while the agent looks up how to book 2 seats for 1 person.
8. Each time I’ve bought multiple seats, I’ve been cautioned that they might not be together when I fly. (??) Yes, even when purchasing as a “passenger of size” policy — the policy which says big people must buy two seats? after telling the agent I weigh 400 freaking pounds? — I’ve been told this.
9. Cassi commented on an earlier post that she had purchased two seats in advance and was told “Oh, we’re overbooked, so we’re bumping your empty seat” at the gate.
10. There are reports of people flying to one location in a single coach seat with no problems, but being told they have to buy a second seat to get home. Or to take their connecting flight. In other words, the policies are applied inconsistently.
11. I also sometimes fly first class. The seats are still tight, but they are more comfortable, especially for my legs and shoulders. (I wear a 30″ inseam.)
12. I don’t fly often. Yes, I can afford to buy an extra ticket or even fly first class (first class on Alaska is often not much more than 2 coach seats – unlike many other carriers).  But it is an optional expense, and I usually opt not.  I’ve gone years between flights.
13. My current job doesn’t require travel. I’ve traveled for business before (wearing the same clothing size as now) and it’s not bad, but that was before the “passengers of size” policies. I’d hate to be stuck in an airport explaining to my boss I’d been bumped from a plane as “too fat” and that I’d need an extra ticket to get home.

Conclusions?

Airlines really want the problem of people who don’t fit to a) go away or b) get monetized. If there’s a complaint, the fat person is kicked out and made to pay a penalty. If there’s no complaint, then they ignore it. This capricious and inconsistent application of the policies is one of the biggest problems I have with such policies.

If you haven’t flown lately, how do you know in advance whether you’ll fit?  Sure, you can take a tape measure and start measuring seats, but unless you have a 17″ (or 17.5″) wide seat with armrests at home or work or otherwise readily available (movie theater?) you may not know.

At the same time, airlines don’t see any reason to make it easier for people to book two seats. And remember, just because you paid for two seats doesn’t mean you’ll actually get them. (Again: capricious and inconsistent. It’s like a theme or something.)

“Passenger of size” policies do make it possible to get a refund.  I did receive my refund from Alaska for my most recent trip.  But finding the form to let me request it wasn’t easy, and the people answering the customer service lines didn’t seem to know how it works either.

Some airlines are also advertising “premium coach” or “business” seats that have extra legroom. They get more money and “Hey, we have an option for tall people!”

Finally: If you haven’t read Kate’s Broadsheet piece on flying while fat, I suggest you do.  (And as always, sanity watchers warning on the comments.)